always thinking
I know it’s a girl thing…always thinking, always contemplating. I envy Chris sometimes, when I ask him what he’s thinking when he’s quiet and he says “nothing” he really means it. Guys seem to be capable of that more so then girls.
I have found myself thinking about a lot of things lately. Some that I voice to others and some that I just sit on and pray about. Since I got engaged I have just been running running running and I know that won’t stop until after the wedding day.
In the past year or so and especially in the past two weeks, aspects of my faith have been thrown into the spotlight for me to analyze. Not only my faith but aspects of my life that I find myself questioning or defending. I attend a very very conservative Church, one that seems to err on the side of safe than of ever possibly sinning or making a mistake. That is probably the best way to be, those kinds of people have devoted themselves to God and Christ. But they have done it in a way that I’m not sure that I can ever do.
It has been almost four years since I got saved, February 19th is the anniversary of that night. Thinking back on it now I see things differently than I did then. It is still the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn’t take it back for anything. I have changed a lot, I’m on a different life path then I was. I’m happy with those changes too, I don’t regret them.
Planning for my wedding is what’s gotten the gears turning. You see, my Church believes drinking and dancing should not be done. (I’m about to go off on a rant so just stick with me, I’ll get back to these two). Though there are instances in the Bible where it is done, they believe it is better to avoid temptation completely than to risk exposing yourself to it and giving in. I understand this though…but I’m not sure I agree with their thoughts entirely. I commend them for their steadfast resolve in serving the Lord, their resolve is so impressive. Are they better then Christians who choose to have a beer or a glass of wine every now and then though? I don’t know, they set a better example I suppose but they don’t have a right to criticize their peers, their brothers. I have heard my Pastor make little comments about other Church pastors that sit down and have a beer with their buddies. Should that Pastor do it? No, I don’t think he should because I think a Pastor needs to set the best example he possibly can. Should my Pastor make a comment about it though? No, I don’t think he should do that either. No matter what he says, my Pastor is judging that man’s actions in one way or another and he has no right to do so. It is comments like that, big or small, that have made me question my Pastor and his sermons. I understand why he does it, he’s just giving an example of how not to be. Yet to me it seems at some point he had to look at that other man and think to himself “that’s bad behavior” to feel he could mention it in a sermon. That’s judgment, even on a minuscule level it is. If you have thought long enough to make a negative statement about another person’s actions then you have thought long enough to judge that person’s actions too. Would my Pastor scold a Christian for drinking a beer, yes I think so. Would my Pastor make comments about people who aren’t saved that drink beer casually but are good people, yes I think so. I guess what I’m getting at is though I think my Pastor is a good man and has a good heart, I wonder about how judgmental he is. I don’t know if I can learn from someone I don’t fully respect a hundred percent.
That makes me wonder. In my life I am surrounded by more people who do not share my faith. My best friend is an atheist, my sisters are agnostic, my brother is jewish, my father is a buddist, and most of my close friends are not Christians. Spending time with them, hanging out with them, I never have those thoughts. I never say don’t do that and I never think it. Am I a bad Christian because I don’t? I accept them for who they are, I pray for them, and I love them for the people they are despite their lack of faith. I wonder many times if my friends from Church would approve? They surround themselves with others like themselves. I feel like I don’t fit in there. I know God said be not of the world but I don’t want to completely separate myself from the world either. How can I be there when one of them might need me or the things I know? I’ve had a friend who does not share my faith come seeking guidance from me because of my salvation. I was able to be there for that person because I didn’t stop being friends with them just because they’re not saved, I didn’t remove myself from their life. I guess some Christians would say well you don’t have to remove yourself but don’t be as close to them as before. But that wouldn’t work. This particular person would not have come to a stranger for the help, they would only go to those they were close to and trusted.
Christians I know would say that I shouldn’t be close to people like that, that we as people are greatly affected by those around us. This is true, but despite the fact that I’m surrounded by those who disagree and even at times mock my faith, it only strengthens what I believe. It is in the face of opposition that I am strongest. It is in the moments of passionate debate that I am reminded of why I believe in the things I believe.
This all comes back to drinking and dancing. In the Bible drinking alcohol is not a sin. It is what being inebriated makes you do that is a sin. Without our inhibitions we behave in a way that is not pleasing to God many times. So we should not get drunk. Is sipping a glass of wine wrong then? To me it doesn’t seem so. Would having a toast at my wedding be wrong? I imagine the Christians from my Church that will be there will disapprove of it.
Dancing. Can I have dancing at my wedding? According to my Church, no I should not. Dancing can cause one to lust and can cause others around us to lust. We should not do anything that could cause those around us to sin. Would a couple’s first dance cause others to sin? Maybe. I don’t think so and I feel like those that would lust over something like that would probably lust over many other innocent activities. In the Bible there are instances where dancing is sinful but there are instances where dancing is not too. Those instances are times of rejoicing and praise to God. What is a better time then rejoicing at the spiritual and holy matrimony of two Christians in marriage? I don’t want crazy, inappropriate dancing. I’m wanting celtic, irish music; fun, bouncey, joyful dancing. I feel like that would not be inappropriate. I know my Church would probably still disapprove.
I don’t know if I like that. I understand that they want to avoid any and all temptation but just blind judgment and any and all acts of joyous celebration? It seems strange to me, almost wrong. People view them as condescending and arrogant and even ignorant. How can you reach people when you are so apart from those you preach to that they resent you? Some people who are close to me can’t stand Christians like that. I know that many Christians feel that being hated is a part of following Christ and they accept that. This is true. I’ve lost a friend over my faith and I know how hard it is. I know how much it hurts to know that my faith is a problem for those around me and those that I care about. It’s not fair. I’ve chosen to believe in Christ and his sacrifice. I want to better myself and if people want help finding Christ then I’m more than willing to help them. But I also know there are people that hate Christians because there are ignorant Christians in the world. It’s the ignorant Christians that make some hate or dislike all Christians. They don’t hate them because of their faith or because they are trying to be good people like many Christians believe. They feel that way because there’s too many Christians that judge and are cruel to those around them. There’s too many extremists. I don’t know if that makes sense…I hope it does. I try to let those around me know that I am not going to judge them, that I accept them for who they are.
I’ve been told by some that I’m judgmental. I know I’m not though no matter what they say. If I was judgmental I could never be friends with the people I’m friends with. I could never hang out with them because their actions and words would constantly offend me. It wouldn’t work.
I’ve been typing so long that I’ve lost some of the fervor I started with. I’m not sure where to go now. I’m just feeling pretty lost and unsure. I think the one thing I’ve concluded is that I’m slowly gearing towards the thinking that my Church might not be right for me. I like to have that reminder from my Church that I could be better, that I could try more. I’m about to loose the one thing though that’s kept me at that Church. My Sunday school teacher is a very good teacher but he teaches the singles class. Once I get married I won’t be in that class anymore. I’ll be in my Pastor’s class and I’m not sure I want to be in his class. Actually I’m pretty sure I don’t. He’s not a bad teacher but he’s not engaging and since my opinion of him is less than perfect I don’t know if I want to stay at that Church now. It makes me sad because I really love that Church for the most part, but I don’t like having to pretend all the time.
I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts on this. But for now I’m done prattling on. Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I hope I don’t sound like an ignorant fool in this.
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